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Communicate With Your Teen
by Brenda
Nixon
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 4567890 “Why
are you mad?” asks the teen.
4567890
“I’m not mad” answers the parent.
4567890 “Yes you are!”
4567890 “No I’m not.”
4567890 “You look mad to me.”
Does this
sound familiar? Do squabbles with your teen begin like this or get off track
with these accusations? There are many reasons parents and teens argue, but
consider this: sometimes it's because adolescents don't "read" facial cues
correctly. Often teens translate a parent's worried or panic expression as
anger. Then they respond to what they perceive as anger. Deborah Yurgelun-Todd,
director of neuropsychology and cognitive neuroimaging at McLean Hospital in
Belmont, Massachusetts, suggests that the teen brain actually works differently
than an adult's when processing emotional information from external stimuli. In
her landmark study mapping the differences between the brains of adults and
teens, Dr. Todd put volunteers through a magnetic resonance imaging (MRI)
machine and monitored how their brains responded to a series of pictures. The
volunteers were asked to discern an emotion based on the facial expression in a
series of faces. All adult volunteers correctly identified the emotions.
However, many of the teenagers misunderstood the emotions. When Dr. Todd
examined the brain scans, she found her teen volunteers utilized a different
part of their brain when looking at the facial expressions.
Teens see
things differently In terms of communication, adults can look at fearful faces
and correctly identify them as such. But teens don't see them the same way.
This means your daughter probably reads your intended expressions differently
than you, and she's responding based on her perception. Carol Maxym, Ph.D.,
author of Teens in Turmoil writes, "One of the most common problems that
parents and teens experience is a gulf in understanding."
When you sense
the tension rising o Talk in a quieter voice. Adolescents can easily
misinterpret your facial expression and rising volume as "being mad." A lowered
voice may help teens accurately identify your true emotion. With my daughters,
I found that lowering my voice eased some tension. o Teach teens. If you're
annoyed, say so, and if you're feeling panic, identify that too. Naming your
emotions will help teens learn about you and to identify their feelings too. o
Be there for them. Teens must know you're always available to listen, support
and give advice - but this doesn't mean you'll try to run their life. o Have a
sense of humor. Teens are like toddlers in big bodies. You don't need to excuse
their behavior but don't expect them to act like adults. They are
not.
Sometimes applying brain research to parenting can help us better
communicate with teens. Perhaps next time you confront your teen, the dialogue
might go like this:
"Why are you mad?" asks the teen.
"This isn't
anger; this is fear" says the parent.
"Why are you afraid?"
"Because I
love you and I sometimes fear for your safety. Love has many expressions."
© Brenda Nixon
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